more meds, more problems?

So I visited my doctor again today. I actually planned this last week before my major depressive episode last night. I woke up today feeling tired and some what spacey. Not sure why. Time seemed to fly by. One minute I was waking up, the next I was at the doctors. I hadn’t done anything though. Not sure why that happened.

I had a chat with him, explained that I’d been feeling worse for about 3 months. I got the usual. “any reason this is happening?” the answer was no. That’s the problem. I’ve not gone through any major life changes. No deaths like I’d been through in the past. Kind of a break up but not really. We were just friends with feelings that I wasn’t ready to act on. He fell in love with a girl a week after we stopped talking. It kinda hurt but I’ve been through worse. I don’t have the stress of running a house, paying bills, working full time. So no, no reason this could be happening. But that’s the worst part. When you know what’s wrong, you can kind of work through fixing it. When you don’t know what’s wrong, what can you do?

Anyway, I asked to be referred back to the hospital for a medication review. But being poor in the UK means, national health service. Which I am thankful for, but the waiting lists are somewhat painful.

As it’s the Christmas holidays approaching, I didn’t want to remove any medication yet, as last time I did I started to hear voices, and fear of that returning and the doctors being closed was terrifying. I also didn’t want to ruin Christmas for my family by being worse than I am.

So he’s suggested adding ANOTHER medication in the mean time. So thank you for my doctor for the help, but I’m still scared and unsure. It’s currently 10:45 and I’ve taken it, feeling a little sleepy but we will see what happens tonight.

I always get scared taking new medication as I’ve had 2 allergic reactions to medication, one resulting in a hospital trip. I’m always scared of the worst. The worst being death. But I guess that’s good? I’m scared of death and not wanting it to happen.

Anyway, sorry for the ramblings. I wanted to make a post on my first night of this medication, so I can reflect over the next week to see if there’s a difference.

thanks for reading, love to you all ❤

 

I’m feeling sad again

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 12. I’m currently 23. It’s still there, and it still sucks.

Countless therapies, medications and support groups later I don’t seem to be any closer to the end.

I thought things were getting better a year ago. I started a new medication that stopped those unbearable thoughts. Those thoughts that tell you “you don’t deserve to be here””nobody loves you” “you’re not good enough” I mean, they calmed down. I started living a more normal and independent life. I thought I was becoming normal again.

Then suddenly those paranoid feelings came back. I started pushing myself away from everyone. The social butterfly I once was, I could see it slowly dying.

I started getting upset by small comments.

I started getting angry at the people making them.

I started reminding myself, “they don’t like you, why would they?”

I started spending more time in bed.

I started deleting social media from my phone.

I started cancelling plans.

and it just grew and grew.

now it’s just me, all by myself.

Scared of the world.

I got upset because my friends didn’t want me to be around.

Those feelings of abandonment came in.

Why would anybody stick around? Would I stick around with me? no.

Right now I’m writing here because I have nowhere left to go. I don’t have friends to turn to because I’ve pushed them away. The whole “you don’t want me? fine I don’t want you either” mentality. When really I just want somebody to want me around. Like genuinely. Not just because they have to.

I’m at a loss. Sat here crying. Wondering how to make the pain go away. I’ll probably resort to my usual. A mix of whatever mood suppressants I can find.